hmmm, for some odd reason, i've been coming to a very pertinent yet very horrific realization.

i'm coming to the "grown-up" stage very quickly.

i don't know why i've started realizing it now....well, actually i guess i do....but through the little hints life has thrown at me, i have realized it. i'm probably realizing it now because of the greater sense of responsibility that the korean lifestyle/culture puts upon those coming of age. in little expectations of etiquette and manners, and expectations in your know-how and in you getting on in life by your own way, whether it's as small as getting your own things at the market or as big as managing your own schedule and getting to places where you need to and doing things that you need to on your own (the getting places where you need to on your own is probably the biggest change).

it's also because i've been having a much bigger role in watching my little brother lately, during our stay in korea. in managing him, in taking care of him and all that. in this very specific case, i am realy the adult. and it's really hard to stay that way. i still want to be selfish and think of myself and only do things for myself, even if it means taking advantage of him or silencing him in his righteousness, even when i'm the one who simply wants my way and am simply lashing out because i'm tired or irritable or busy - and i have done so, and realized and regretted immediately; because i do realize what i should be doing instead of what i had. and in a way, i've begun to realize my parents' position the last decade and half. I've always thought to myself, why do they expect me to be so perfect when they're not even perfect. or they're always acting so wrong and they claim to be so right.
and now i realize, yeah, they were wrong. but the situations that didn't come out so pretty (and usually ended in some kind of fight and crying) weren't something they could really help. believe it or not, parents are human and they want to be selfish and lash out too. and yes, parents are wrong at times. but it's an interesting shift in perspective and quite an eye opener. and it's interesting to me because i'm realizing these things without anyone telling me and nobody would have ever told me these things. it's interesting because there truly are things that only come with age....although some may never realize certain things, by way of immaturity or blindness or some other matter.

and it's scary. the little expectations that people will hold. i'm not at that stage yet where adults will expect me to have all the responsibilities (whether in taking care of a kid, getting my own place, paying my own bills), but i can tell it's coming soon. pretty soon, i'm not gonna have that overhanging shadow-cradle. what i mean by that is, it feels quite demeaning and overbearing to have adults that don't think you're capable of handling yourself and accordingly, they take care of those things, but in reality, they're actually quite right and you better thank God that you have that "cradle". soon enough, that's gonna be minimized. they're going to expect those little things. and i call them little things because that's what they've been reduced to in the entire spectrum of this huge thing called life. paying bills and such are miniscule, but oh-so-important. but exactly right, they're not just "little things". they're actually some of the most important things. say, if you want to meet your soul mate. you're gonna have to watch your etiquette and manners and your responsibility, because ultimately, it's not up to the woman. it's up to mom and pops.

yeah that's a realization i've come to, too, ever since the thought of love has entered my mind. marriage isn't a two-person deal, dont' you ever be deceived into thinking that. in no practical way is it ever. it involves families and friends and many more than just those that are betrothed. welcome to the real world.

so basically what i'm getting at through that long long intro....is that i'm scared. and i'm not ready for those things, those expectations, those duties. and i figure out now why a lot of guys don't grow up and end up a lot less than they wanted to be and expected to be. i sound like some old haggard man don't i? well that's because it's a lot of reality. believe it or not, the old men have a lot to say and they're quite often right. get used to it. my dad has been quite right on many occasions despite my adamant denial. and even though it's not even a very imminent future in many aspects (it's only partial independence, really, in college. i'm not worrying about taxes, bills, residency, marriage or any of that really....)

i'm scared of the future, not because of the unknown element, but because i've tasted a part of it.